Signs to look for

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Whenever we enter a relationship buoyed up on waves of love and emotion, we all too often ignore (or willingly overlook) the inevitable warning signs of potential violence in our partners, until it is too late.

Below is a list of behaviours commonly found in individuals (male and female) who physically assault their partners or spouses. The last four signs are the strongest indicators of all. These four are almost always seen only in someone who is a batterer.

If your partner has several of the other behaviours (say three or more) then he (or she) has a strong potential for physical violence. The more signs the person has, the more likely he or she is to be a batterer. In some cases, they may have only a couple of behaviours you will recognize, but they may be much exaggerated (e.g., extreme jealousy over ridiculous things, or extreme controlling behaviour). Initially the batterer will try to explain such behaviour as signs of love and concern, and you may be flattered at first. But as time goes on, the behaviours will only serve to increase their dominance over you.

1) Quick Involvement: Battered partners often knew or dated their abusers for less than nine months before they became engaged or started living together. They come on like a whirlwind: “You’re the only person I could ever talk to”; “I’ve never felt loved like this by anyone.” They are charming, attentive, understanding, (a dream come true), and want to spend every free minute of time with you from the moment you start to date. They push for quick commitment and profess their love way too soon. You are swept off your feet!


2) Jealousy: At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will always say that this is a sign of their love. Jealousy, however, has little to do with love and more to do with insecurity and possessiveness. You will be questioned about whom you talk to. You may be accused of flirting. Your partner may begin to question your need to spend time with family, friends or children. As the jealousy progresses, he/she may call you frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly to see what you are up to. They will check your computer to discover who you are talking to, or take a note of your car mileage. Jealous and possessive, you will be interrogated constantly.


3) Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde: Mood swings.. Abusers change positions on issues constantly, keeping you on edge. Many domestic violence victims report their partner’s “sudden” mood changes, and are confused by them. They will describe how one minute they are nice and the next minute they explode into some kind of “mental problem” or become “crazy”. Explosiveness or mood swings are typical of individuals who physically assault their partners; and these behaviours are related to other characteristics such as hypersensitivity

4) Controlling Behaviour: This is one of the strongest indicators to look out for. The batterer will say that this kind of behaviour is just concern for your safety, or because they want you to use your time well, or make good decisions. They become angry if you are “late” coming back from the store or an appointment. They will question you closely about where you went, whom you talked to. As this behaviour gets worse, there may come a time when you will not be allowed to make any major household decision at all. You will be told what you should wear, when you should visit relatives and friends, when you should go to church etc. Your partner will attempt to control all the household money. You will have to account to him/her for every purchase you have made by producing receipts. They will monopolise the TV remote and the computer. They will lay down strict household rules which they do not follow themselves. Batterers often have problems with authority: they are rebellious, confrontational or quick to start quarrels in restaurants or stores or on the phone. However, they are usually good providers financially, and successful in their careers.


5) Isolation: In order to control your behaviour, your partner will attempt to isolate you geographically- you will be the one who “must” move away from familiar surroundings, quit your job and live in your partner’s environment. You may even be persuaded to live in the country, without a phone. Your partner will try to cut you off from all your resources and circles of support. If you are a woman meeting friends, you will become a “whore”. If you are close to your family, you will be “tied to mommy’s apron strings”. Questions are always asked when you want to entertain or have family and friends over. They will find plausible reasons for cancelling visits to them, and may even accuse them of “causing trouble”. Your partner may not let you use the car. They may try to keep you from working or going to school. Fewer and fewer visitors will be allowed in your home


6) Verbal Abuse: Your partner will be able to pick apart anything you say and twist it to the point where you may even question it yourself! In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, abusers constantly degrade their partners, cursing them, running down their accomplishments. This may involve waking them up in the night to verbally abuse them, or not letting them get enough sleep.


7) Unrealistic Expectations: They become dependent on you for all their emotional needs. They will say things like “If you love me, I’m all you need—you’re all I need.”


8) Blames you for everything: An abuser never expresses true, honest guilt unless they can benefit by it. If they make mistakes, they will blame you for upsetting them. They will tell you, “You make me mad”, “You’re hurting me by not doing what I ask”, “I can’t help being angry”. They will use feelings to manipulate you. Harder to catch are their claims that, “You make me happy,” “You control how I feel”.


8) Hypersensitivity: They are easily insulted; they claim their feelings are “hurt” when really they’re just very mad. They take the slightest setbacks as a personal attack. They may “rant and rave” about the injustice of things that have happened to them—things that are really just part of living, like being asked to work overtime, getting a traffic ticket, being told that something they do is annoying. They will patronize or degrade you in front of others.

9) Cruelty to Animals or Children: Sixty percent of people who assault their partners also beat their children. They may expect children to be capable of doing things far beyond their ability. He/she may for example severely punish a two year old for wetting its diaper. They may not want children to eat at the table or expect them to keep to their room all evening while he/she is home. They can also be cruel with pets: threaten to kill, get rid of, or take them to the pound. Alternatively, he/she may lavish love upon them at times of his/her choosing and then suddenly ignore them for long periods. This is a person who punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain or suffering...

10) “Playful” Use of Force in Sex: They may want you to act out fantasies during sex where you are their “prisoner”. They may show little concern about whether you want to have sex and use sulking or anger to manipulate you into compliance. They demand sex when you are ill or tired. They may use playful use of force during sex: forcing you to do things you aren’t comfortable with doing. Want sex daily or more. Unable to be a whole person without a relationship

*11) Past Battering: You may hear from friends that your partner has been abusive to others in the past. Situational circumstances do not make a person an abusive personality. Sooner or later, a batterer will beat up their partner,no matter who they are.

*12) Threats of Violence: Only acts abusive when others aren’t around. They can turn sweet at the drop of a hat, or at the drop of a 911 call. They will drive recklessly on the freeway to intimidate you. They will threaten you with violence or the police, and then say he/she wasn’t serious or was just kidding. This would include any threats of physical force meant to control your behaviour. “I’ll slap your mouth off”, “I’ll kill you”, “I’ll break your neck”. I’ll kill myself”. Most people do not threaten their mates, but a batterer will try to excuse this behaviour by saying, “Everybody talks like that”.
Likes angry music or enjoys watching violent movies

*13) Punishments. This behaviour is used to terrorize you into submission. They may withhold mail or gifts given to you by friends/relatives because “you don’t deserve them”. They may beat on tables with their fists; throw objects near you; drive recklessly on the freeway. Again, this is a very remarkable behaviour; only very immature people beat on objects in the presence of other people in order to threaten them.

*14) Any Force during an Argument: This may involve holding you down, physically restraining you from leaving the room, or any pushing or shoving. They may hold you up against a wall and say, “You’re going to listen to me”).